Nothing puts a chill down our spine quite like the Internet’s Saturn Return.

It’s official: all heavily Venusian men need to come with a warning label.

If there’s a Neptune transit when you’re about to make a big decision, probably wait.

Sometimes you need more than a hot and heavy Mars in Gemini / Moon in Gemini biwheel placement to make it.

If you take a way one thing from this ep, it should be to avoid double Virgos. Especially if they create a shrine to you.

Dating a man with heavy Venus influences in his chart? He’s prob a cult leader.

Sometimes all it takes is a 24-year grudge to truly show that a Scorpio Moon never forgets and a Libra Sun never forgets a missed apology.

Mars in the anaretic degree of Aries can really put a damper on an afternoon.

Nothing like a few eclipses hitting your natal chart to unearth that you’ve been faking a Spanish accent for a decade.

What do JFK, Abraham Lincoln and a pretzel with a death wish have in common? THE GREAT CONJUNCTION, DUH.

A story that proves a ton of LSD and activated 4th and 12th Houses probably won’t end well.

That second house / eight house opposition will really get you.

All you really need to know is that settlers at Jamestown ate their shoes their first winter.

Pluto and Jupiter really know how to tear up a birth chart. Just ask Kim Kardashian and her v famous family.

Get ready to fuq up the system because we’re heading into the deepest bowels of the Internet to talk about the astrology behind the digital collective known as Anonymous.

The most precious Pisces Sun we ever did see. Did we mention she could rip your throat apart with her dissenting words?

Child pageants get a hell of a lot more sinister when you add a controlling Mom with Pluto in Virgo and Jupiter as your timelord.

How do you win six NBA championships? Just work hard and have multiple eclipses interacting with your player and coach’s charts.

Spoiler alert: when someone starts dropping phrases like, “prepare for the nuclear holocaust,” it’s time to GTFO.

What do the Salem Witch Trials and the Satanic Panic have in common? A whole lot of black clothing and Saturn in Sagittarius.